Lately I’ve been preoccupied with the idea that in a post-apocalyptic America there would be a post-apocalyptic Santa Claus. When I get an idea like this my usual instinct is that someone else thought of it first and it’s something I read and forgot about or it’s simply a case of me having the same idea as someone else.

This time, however, I can’t seem to find any evidence that this is a concept that someone else has fleshed out.

In fact, I can’t really find much evidence that Steampunk Santa has been fully fleshed out either although that concept seems like it would come together in a fairly obvious way (He flies in a steam-powered zeppelin, whoop-de-fucking-doo.)

So let’s go back and talk about Post-Apocalyptic Santa.

• He has a long white beard. Pretty much all men have long beards after the apocalypse but Santa’s is special because it contains few parasites by comparison.
• He wears a greatcoat made out of reindeer hides. Legend has it that Santa keeps a herd of reindeer in his compound. The bounty they provide is what gives Santa his jolly, fat appearance. It’s told that he weighs over 175 pounds making him one of the fattest men in the wasteland!
• He says “Ho Ho Ho” sometimes but mostly he just coughs.
• Santa carries a hunting rifle with a scope. Many a fool has tried to test his skill with it on a cold wasteland night!
• Nobody knows what month or day it is so Santa works all through the months when the days are short.
• Post-apocalyptic Santa brings coal to all the good boys and girls so they don’t freeze at night. He brings them homemade whiskey too. Bad boys and girls get unlabeled expired pharmaceuticals, broken appliances, and books (none of them can read so all they can do is burn the books for their meager value as fuel.)
• He’s drunk all the time.

Hmm…maybe I’ll try to draw a picture of Post-Apocalyptic Santa.