Monopoly is a board game that’s universally beloved by most Americans. I have no statistics to back this up but when the phrase “family game night” is mentioned I’ll wager that most people think of Monopoly with its piles of colorful money and little metal pieces shaped like depression-era housewares.

If you’re a true gamer, on the other hand, you hopefully have come to realize that Monopoly is a piece of shit. It’s ONLY good as an entry-level game to tech children how to count money, negotiate trades, and plan strategy.

I define gamer as someone who has more than just a casual interest in games and gaming. If you’ve heard of Carcassonne, Puerto Rico, or Axis and Allies then you’re probably a gamer (or maybe you just live with one*)

So, without further yapping, here’s why Monopoly is a horse-shit game

• Players who lose are eliminated one by one. As soon as one person is eliminated your “family game night” is ruined because the first loser has an hour or two to kill while everyone else enjoys a board game. This fact introduces a whole realm of “sympathy gaming” to the mix in which players will make trades to their own detriment to help someone stay in the game. The game makes you feel like an asshole if you play to win. That sucks.
• Two players are too few and 5-6 players border on too many. This is true for most board games but a 6 player game of Monopoly can be a god-awful grind if none of the players have a clear advantage. In a 2-player game the players just take turns rolling dice for 3 hours until someone quits.
• In Monopoly there’s a substantial late-game penalty for advancing around the board. Once you have your properties built up and you’re collecting rents there’s no longer any reason for you to be passing “Go.” In fact, the more you move around the board the more likely you are to land on other peoples’ properties and pay them rent. The outcome of this is that “Go to Jail” becomes desirable late in the game because it allows you to skip 3 turns. It’s safe to say that the late-game advantage of Jail outweighs the early-game penalty (in other words Jail=good. That sucks.)
• Once the players have established their properties the gameplay is little more than each player taking turns rolling dice and moving cards and money around until someone has a string of bad luck and loses. This happens at the END of the game when players are weary from a long game and need the extra excitement. Contrast this with Settlers of Catan which starts off a little slow, picks up in the middle, and can be a nail-biting race to the finish.
• House rules designed to fix some of the game’s problems often end up breaking the game even more. “Free Parking” bonuses dump money into the game, resulting in a longer game, for example. On the other hand I always liked the house rule which says that jailed players cannot collect rent. Of course, most households don’t use that rule because it makes the game much harder.

If your kids are nearing the age when they’re able to play games that require strategy, do them a favor and get rid of Monopoly after they’ve gotten the hang of it. Buy them a copy of the aforementioned Settlers of Catan or Caylus, take the time to learn the slightly more complex (but highly polished) rules and give thanks that you’re going to avoid years of moving around and around and around in circles on family game night.

*I just put that line in there to piss my girlfriend off. She’s a gamer too but she might not admit it!