Note from the author: If you have been directed to this post from another site you should know that although I do include some genuine information from the New York Times and Chicago Tribune that this article is 100% fabricated satire. It is not intended to be a source of information about Ambien or any other sleep aid. I have added this note after seeing a few incoming links from legitimate discussions about sleep aids and insomnia. One guy on a forum actually used one of my made up statistics to support one of his arguments in said forum. You should not attempt to do this. Thank you for reading The Science of Apathy! You should subscribe! Really. 

George T. Wallace is a 54 year old RV salesman from Mount Prospect Illinois. For 30 years his wife Joette and himself have been happily married and eagerly awaiting retirement. It may come as a surprise to many that these two love birds enjoy separate bedrooms. Joette’s frequent insomnia and George’s chronic snoring and various gastro-intestinal problems fostered an unpleasant relationship once the lights went off each night. Once the kids grew up and moved out the couple forged an agreement that revitalized their marriage.

“I get the master bedroom and George sleeps in our son’s old room. During the day we’re more rested and even-tempered.” Joette told us.

The Wallaces’ agreement is not an unusual one. At Escala, a condominium project in Seattle, a quarter of the 270 units have double master bedrooms, said John Midby, a partner in the development. In St. Louis County, Dennis Hayden, president of Hayden Homes, said that each of the 30 detached homes in his latest planned community would have two separate-but-equal bedroom suites.

Problems started occurring when Joette started taking the popular sleep aid Ambien for her insomnia. Sometimes she would wake up to find cheese slice wrappers in bed with her. One morning she discovered that someone had cooked and eaten an entire package of smoked sausage in the night. It didn’t take much sleuthing to find a single half-eaten sausage in the pocket of her nightgown. The last straw came one morning when George made an off-color remark about Joette’s lust-filled visit to his bedroom the previous night. He later confessed that “I honestly didn’t notice that she was asleep.”

This incident leads some FDA regulators to believe that 90% of “sleep sex” as a result of Ambien goes unreported in the 50-65 age group.

The FDA has announced that stronger warnings need to be placed on the warning labels of popular sleep aid medications such as Ambien and Lunesta. The full story is over at the New York Times.

(exerpt)

Night eaters said they woke up to find Tostitos and Snickers wrappers in their beds, missing food, kitchen counters overflowing with flour from baking sprees, and even lighted stoves.

Sleep-drivers reported frightening episodes in which they recalled going to bed, but woke up to find they had been arrested roadside in their underwear or nightclothes. The agency said that it was not aware of any deaths caused by sleep-driving…

…The agency also received reports of people making phone calls, purchasing items over the Internet, or having sex under the influence of sleep medication.

Meanwhile, Joette has decided to remain on Ambien but, for her own safety, George has insisted on sleeping in the master bedroom with her so he can curtail her nocturnal adventures.

George’s concern is heartfelt: “If she wandered into my bedroom naked, imagine what else could happen! She could wander into the garage naked, start our car, and drive to someone else’s house for sex. If you think about it, it’s not much different than going to the kitchen for a large helping of sausage.”

This article is satire. Everything about the Wallaces is made up. The statistics about double master bedrooms are true and were taken from the Chicago Tribune.