The Japanese have these things called “Capsule Hotels” and I’ve always thought that they’re a spectacular invention. For a relatively small fee you get a bed in which to sleep off your gut full of booze. Alternatively, thrifty travelers can use them to save money on business trips and whatnot.

Even though drunk driving is a serious problem in this country, the capsule hotel would never fly. It would be too easy to attribute this fact to the overall disparity between levels of civil courtesy in Japan and America. I’m going to be a little more specific than that.

1. Americans are too fucking fat. - If the capsule has to be made of reinforced steel plate and built to the size of a minivan, no developer in their right mind would build a capsule hotel.
2. Americans are too litigious - This goes back to number 1, to an extent. Someone would sue because they’re too fat to fit inside, had to drive home drunk, and got in an accident. Someone would sue because they’re claustrophobic and feel discriminated against. Someone would sue because they farted in the night and choked on their own stink. These hotels would get sued out of existence here.
3. Prostitution is illegal - The thought of paying money for sex turns my stomach but it’s not called the “world’s oldest profession” for nothing. If capsule hotels existed here, hoes would be turning tricks in them simply because they would be cheaper than even the cheapest, sleaziest motel. I don’t doubt that such a thing goes on in Japan but I do doubt that it’s rampant. If it were legalized, prostitutes would have designated places other than public hotels to fleece frustrated chumps for their money.
4. Americans are slobs who don’t respect the property of others - In the states, these capsules would be filled with graffiti, cigarette burns, and god only knows what melange of disease-ridden human waste residue. The fresh graffiti on the back of my new home (inside a historic vintage 1929 building, no less) reminds me of this fact every single day, as does the endless trail of litter that lines our streets.
5. Americans don’t trust each other - I’m sure that crime does occur in the Japanese capsule hotels but, at the same time, they continue to exist and draw customers. Personally, I don’t trust the American public enough to sleep in a room full of strangers with only a curtain for privacy.

I could go on but I’m capping it at 5. After all, this is a blog, not a freaking novel.

I suppose there’s a point to be made here. It’s not the 1950’s anymore and certainly nobody wants it to be. It wouldn’t kill us to regain a sense of common decency though.