Well, here we go again, fellow F-sixes (a cookie for anyone who gets that reference.) The subject my brain has landed on today is parenting. I’m not currently a parent. The only thing I know about raising a child is that my parents did it right. I’m employed, educated, stable, I don’t wear diapers for roleplaying purposes, and I don’t have anyone imprisoned in a well in my basement. Those are the criteria I’ve chosen to defend my own upbringing. Take them or leave them.

The things I’ve chosen to write about here are things that won’t necessarily screw up a child. They’re highly visible actions that we all see people doing in public. When I see parents doing these things my instincts tell me that these parents are idiots. If you’re a parent and you see something familiar on this list, feel free to comment and defend yourself.

• Television/DVD player in the car - Are your kids so riddled with ADD that they can’t sit still in the car for an hour or two? OK, so it is a great thing to have on a long drive but, honestly, how many long drives does the average family take in a year? As a child my parents would take my sister and I to Michigan from Chicago every weekend all summer long. That’s a 3-hour drive one-way. We read books, even at a young age. If we thought we would get carsick we read lighter stuff like Garfield or Calvin and Hobbes. When we ran out of books we drew pictures on little sketch pads. By the time I hit 4th grade I was miles ahead (pun intended) of the class in terms of reading comprehension.
• Kids with iPods - I see this all the goddamn time. Children under the age of 10 toting around a video iPod. Last Christmas I happened to glance at my cousin’s video iPod. It had roughly 30 songs on it and was about a year old. It’s important for kids to start appreciating music but I can’t imagine a 9 year old with 20+ gig of music. Honestly, buy the kid an iPod shuffle and put the rest in a savings account. They’ll cry over not having the most “designer” model but I’ll bet you real money that they’ll still use it.
• Boys with long hair -A kid sees someone on TV that he idolizes. That person has long hair so naturally the kid wants long hair too. The parents are fine with this because maybe they were damn dirty hippies in their teens or twenties. Either way, the end result is a boy with long hair that makes him look like a girl. There’s a reason that a lot of people thought Hanson was a girl group when they hit in the 90’s.
• Smoking - Are you a parent who smokes? Do you want to live to meet your grandchildren? Better stop smoking, asshole. Like any unhealthy activity, smoking is a matter of personal responsibility. The moment you have a child is the moment that smoking changes from a personal choice to the selfish act of a person too weak to give it up.
• Teenagers driving new cars - There’s no reason for a high school student to have access to a car that costs more than 5000 dollars. This is doubly true if the parents are paying for insurance. This was a valid point when I was a teenager and it’s even more valid today in the twilight years of the internal combustion engine. Honestly, buy your kid an older car, teach him or her a few things about basic maintenance and direct them to the local fast food place to find employment to pay for the gas and insurance.
• Paying for good grades - I don’t know how this tradition evolved but in my opinion it just reinforces mediocrity as an acceptable way of life. There were kids in my classes back in the day who got $20 for an A $10 for a B and $5 for a C. Most of them were happy to get all C’s. Honestly, paying money for a C? If I had come home with straight C’s I would have been banned from video games and most of my toys. I understand that not all kids are Mozart or Bobby Fischer, but at the same time they should never be taught that it’s OK to suck.