So. The news and internet are all clucking about the recent death of you-know-who and the subsequent legal battle over her remains. So soon do we forget past such incidents and the ensuing anguish.

• James Brown - His remains were in legal limbo for some time. Some of his family maintained that his remains should be held in storage pending his resurrection. The proposition was put forward that at some point he would scream “get on up! get on up now!” and leap from his slab in the morgue. The fact that his body continued to twitch for days after his death lent proof to this theory.A sombre judge remarked “James Brown’s corpse has more soul than 5 living men of average build and all parties need to consider that fact when planning for his internment.”

• Ronald Reagan - It’s a well kept secret that the Republican Illuminati fought to keep the corpse of Reagan alive, hooked up to a golden array of life support devices and electrochemically wired into the internet for some reason. Proponents of this plan maintain that even the Alzheimer’s cybernetic broadband life support Ronald Reagan would have been an able adviser to President Bush.
• Chris Farley - NBC filed a cease and desist order to prevent the burial claiming that Chris’ legacy would be all the grander if his corpse would do one last appearance on Saturday Night Live. Insiders say that it probably wouldn’t have been a whole lot different than the last time he hosted when he was alive.
• Saddam Hussein - The United Nations drafted and voted on a resolution that would have made the corpse of Saddam Hussein the legal property of Harrah’s Entertainment Inc. Under the UN plan the corpse would have appeared in a Las Vegas stage show at Caesar’s Palace alongside Penn and Teller. Proceeds from the show would have been used to rebuild Iraq.

  Penn Jillette later testified that “It never would have worked. You can only shove so many pineapples up one corpse’s ass. After a month of shows Saddam would be so stretched out he would be unrecognizable.”

What about the future?

• Michael Jackson - Court proceedings are actually already underway to have Michael buried properly. The only formalities remaining are a series of tests to prove that he actually died years ago (Pepsi, anyone?) and is currently a walking corpse. Oprah Winfrey has been subpoenaed but everyone is too afraid of her to force her to testify.
• Charleton Heston - The NRA will attempt to use Heston’s remains in a campaign to show that guns are perfectly safe when used responsibly. Their primary evidence will be that Heston lived his whole life including a long battle with Alzheimer’s without accidentally shooting himself or others. (if he gets confused and accidentally shoots himself or others then this one won’t happen.)

Which brings us to…

• Oprah Winfrey - Funeral plans will be interrupted when she checks herself out of the morgue three days after being pronounced dead. Fans will later report that “This is kind of what we’ve been expecting.”