I’m so going to hell for this post. Here’s why.

To the general public this desire probably seems sick and strange. I mean, the Wii is something that everyone loves and to lose one if you have one is incomprehensible. Most people want the latest and greatest in home entertainment but ever since late 2006 I’ve just been picturing myself without a Wii. I’ve known for the longest time (4 weeks or so) that if I want to get on with my life I have to get rid of my Wii. This isn’t something that I shared with family and friends after all of the good times we’ve had battling it out in Tennis or zapping those tricky little Elebits.

Last November, my girlfriend and I and my Wii were quite happy. The new arrival in our home brought countless hours of joy. So many sweaty, sleepless nights together with my Wii, but I was living a lie.

There’s really no online tutorial or blog with instructions on how to get rid of one’s Wii. I thought of craigslist or eBay but I just couldn’t stand the thought of my Wii in someone else’s sweaty little hands. I couldn’t stand the thought of accepting money for it. Of course I was scared of dying. I mean, who’s to know how my girlfriend would react when she learns that she can never again touch my Wii on a cold, dull winter night. My entertainment center is only 10 feet from the kitchen knives, after all, and my girlfriend has a nasty temper when she doesn’t get enough Wii.

The first thing I did was order some ice cream from an online vendor. I ordered the kind with extra milk fat because I would need it for what I had in mind. I had read long ago in Nintendo Power that a NES cannot survive a strawberry milkshake being poured in it so that’s what I had planned for my Wii. I prepared the milkshake and started with the first Wii-mote. It had only been soaking under the milkshake for a few minutes when my girlfriend arrived home from work early. She pulled it out of the icy pink liquid and, despite recussitation attempts, it was destroyed. So in the end I had only succeeded in amputating one part of my Wii. It still works but can only be played with by one person at a time.

My girfriend was supportive through all of this, understanding that I must be mentally ill for wanting to get rid of my Wii. I still play with it, alone and happily, late into the night, basking undisturbed in the single player goodness of Twilight Princess. The pain of getting rid of the Wii completely may be more than I can bear and I may lose all of my friends if I ever succumb to such an impulse. After all, nobody wants to hang out with the nut who got rid of his own Wii.

Obviously, this is satire. I can’t comprehend wanting to cut off my legs anymore than I can comprehend pouring a milkshake onto the shiny fountain of Japanese goodness that is my Nintendo Wii.